I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm like, not good at living.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm too high and old for this...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
