You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
