Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
