god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
