Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
