I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
