Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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