why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
