Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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