I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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