I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
