I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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