He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
