I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
