One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize