if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
operation have a gay friend backfired
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
