My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need a beard to bite.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
