You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
