I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
