I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
