I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
