Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
