I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
