I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
