I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
