Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
