I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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