I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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