My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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