So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
