Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
