The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
