did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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