my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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