My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
