I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
