I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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