FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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