you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
