Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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