yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
so let's talk penis.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
