Sry I called you an 8
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
