I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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