Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
