Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
