If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
