I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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