i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
