Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish my penis had a tongue
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?