Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.