I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
