I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word