i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment