you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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