smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
pray to the hookup gods
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
