I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
