You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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