my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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