He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
